Doug McIntyre

Radio Host · Columnist · TV/Film Writer-Producer · Event Emcee

Radio Host · Columnist · TV/Film Writer-Producer · Event Emcee

D.C. gridlock comes to L.A. — again

I heard them coming before I looked up, the distinctive thwap, thwap, thwap of rotor blades slicing through an unusually warm February sky. A conga line of helicopters heading west to east could mean only one of two things; either the Medfly has returned and we’re about to be sprayed with malathion or President Obama had another guest shot on “Ellen.”

The Entertainer-in-Chief is a regular on America’s talk show circuit and, therefore, a frequent visitor to our fair city. In fact, Barack Obama has spent more time in L.A. as president than Antonio Villaraigosa did as mayor.

While the rest of the nation enjoys the president slow-jamming the news or chatting in podcaster Marc Maron’s Silver Lake garage, Angelinos are stuck cooling their heels in near total gridlock.

The president is obviously a very busy man and can’t be expected to waste his time navigating the 405 North to the 101 South like us peasants — not with a studio audience waiting to find out what Barack is doing for Michelle on Valentine’s Day and other issues of pressing national importance.

Meanwhile, those of you trapped in the security zone can always call your 1 o’clock lunch and ask if it can be a 6 o’clock dinner. If you’ve ever wondered where “We the People” stand in the pecking order, witness a presidential motorcade. They might as well put a plow on the front of his limo to shove the rabble out of the way.

The melding of show biz and politics didn’t start with Barack Obama and won’t end with him. The next president will also be a frequent visitor to Los Angeles, unless, God forbid, we somehow elect Ted Cruz. It’s hard to imagine Ted Cruz dancing on “Ellen” or anywhere else for that matter.

But voting for Ted Cruz seems too high a price to pay even for a smoother commute home.

My previous suggestion — to turn the empty theme restaurant at LAX into a fundraising/TV studio so the president never has to actually leave the airport — has failed to gain traction. Our only hope now is science.

Last week it was announced that Einstein’s 100-year-old theory of gravitational waves has been confirmed, bringing us, perhaps, one step closer to man-made time portals and wormholes. Think of it. Some future president will zip from Washington to David Geffen’s house and back with zero inconvenience for the masses.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re still waiting for those personal jet packs we were promised in the ’50s and frozen pizza that doesn’t taste like Styrofoam, so how long will it take for a White House transporter room like they had on Star Trek?

You can’t rush science.

Think how long it took for someone to put wheels on luggage.

Doug McIntyre’s column appears Sundays. Hear him weekdays 5-10 on AM 790. He can be reached at: